Lumpini Monkey House

Some of y’all may have been wondering where I’ve been...

Well, I had to do a little time at the Lumpini Monkey House (a.k.a. Lumpini Jail) and, well, I’ve found that jails that don’t have air conditioning generally don’t have very good internet connections.

Right, so what happened? Well, you think that these Thai girls are all very laid-back and even-keeled but apparently they have a limit.

I was minding my own business at home with a Thai girl when my Thai girlfriend came home. Hmm. My threesome idea didn’t go over very well. My girlfriend hit her limit and when Thai chicas hit their limit they really snap!

Next thing I know I’m running down Sukhumvit, buck naked, with my girlfriend chasing after me with a knife. Thankfully the cops showed up. Or I thought so. But, apparently tie does not go to the runner. In fact, tie goes to the crazy knife wielding girlfriend in Thailand.

Next stop Lumpini Monkey House.

Lucky for me I shared a cell with a rather attractive female named Pookie. She seemed to understand me in ways no other woman had ever understood me. Needless to say, in such close quarters and with such a sexy woman, nature took its course. I have to say that Pookie was a bit of a freak and always preferred unconventional positions. She was also very shy and would never let me see her private parts. But after lights out she was a little tiger. Grrrrr.

So now I'm out and feeling like the only hell my momma ever raised.

Star of Light

When I go out, I like to buy drinks for my buddies (unlike some of you cheap fuckers). But occasionally someone has gone out of their way to help me with something like moving a big screen TV or dumping a dead hooker in the woods. Buying them a drink doesn’t really seem to compensate. I’d rather say something like “Hey, bud, thanks for poisoning that dog. Let me buy you a blowjob.” Luckily there is a special little bar in Bangkok for just such a situation…

It’s called The Star of Light. It’s a blowjob bar. Yep. You can get a beer and a blowjob right there. If they had a big screen TV showing NFL I would never leave.

The Star of Light is a tiny little place. About the size of a mobile home (a.k.a. trailer). Not a double-wide, just a regular size trailer. There’s a bar down the right and a couple couches on the left. The bar is a little unusual because it has curtains under the counter in front of each stool. Now if you sit down at the bar and order a drink some chick will stick her head out of the curtains and start rubbing your crotch. If you’re a cheap son of a bitch you can just sit there and drink your beer while this chick does her best to get you in the mood. But most likely you will give into the surreal temptation of having some girl that you haven’t even quite seen yet (forget about names) unzip your pants and start blowing you while you drink your beer and chit chat with your buddies at the bar who are also getting blown.

Here’s the price breakdown:

Beer 80 Baht / $2
Blowjob 700 Baht / $17.50

You won’t believe this, but I saw a dude in there one time who was reading the fucking newspaper while some girl was going to town on him. It makes you wonder what section he was reading when he gave her the one gun salute… What if it was the Obituaries section? Creepy.

Yeah, so as you can imagine, this kind of bar doesn’t attract the best looking ladies as employees. I mean, who wants to suck dick all day? But what they lack in cuteness they make up for in enthusiasm. And skill. I mean, if these girls can get a guy off while he’s reading the newspaper they must know what they’re doing.

BTW, you can get two girls behind the curtains if you want to.

And I know what some of you pervs out there are wondering…And, well, let’s just say that the bar stocks a lot of mouth wash.

Not sure which caption applies here:

a) Sweet! They're finally installing that new elevator.
b) Looks like we'll be taking the stairs for a while.

This is why I'm over there. Look at that sad looking cow. My Momma could ride that thing in a rodeo. Turns out these "ranchers" blew all their money on stone fences instead of using barbed wire.  

You Gonna Eat That?

Not so long ago I was working on a project in Thailand. I tell you what, those Thais may know a lot about growing rice and shooting ping pong balls but they don’t know shit about raising cows. Those cows over there look more like giant Chihuahuas that somebody picked up at the animal shelter. I actually think that they don’t slaughter cows there. They just wait for them to die of starvation then cut em up. If you ever try Thai steak (that’s steak, not stick) you’ll see what I mean.

So after this project my buddy and me went to the beach down at this island called Phuket. I called the place “Fuck-It” the whole time I was there but I later learned that it’s really called “Poo-Ket”. I think “Fuck-It” is a better name because that’s about all I said once I got there…

Buddy: “Oh, man, I’m going to puke if I have another shot.”
Luther Ray: “Fuck it. Drink up, cowboy.”

Chica #1: “Me no condom.”
Luther Ray: “Fuck it.”

Buddy: “We should head to the airport or we’ll miss our flight.”
Luther Ray: “Fuck it.”

Buddy: “It’s the boss on the phone. He’s asking where we are and why we didn’t show up for work.”
Luther Ray: “Tell him ‘Fuck It’ and ‘Fuck it’.”

Anyway, one night me and my buddy took a couple young ladies we had met, or rented (I wasn’t sure yet) to dinner. Of course since it’s an island we had seafood. At the restaurants there they put all the fish, shrimp, oysters, crabs, etc. on ice in front of the restaurant. You pick what you want. It’s kind of like fishing if, like me, you fish by the dam floodgates. Just cast your line where the water sprays out of the dam and you’re bound to snag something. You can save a lot of money on bait that way.

So we chose a fish and the guy says “How do you want it cooked?” This kind of threw me because being from The South I thought there was only one way to cook a fish. Batter it and throw it in the Fry Daddy. So I figured this was some kind of hoity toity restaurant and told him “medium.” Turns out these Thai people have all sorts of ways to cook fish. Sometimes they even steam them. Weird. I mean, how would you steam a hushpuppy?

Turns out they didn’t have hushpuppy’s either.

So after some engaging conversation with our lady friends… “I like you. Where you come from? How long you stay in Thailand?” … the fish arrived. The first thing that struck me about this fish was that its head was still on. And judging by the grimace on his face, he was not very happy when they dropped him in the Fry Daddy (or whatever they use over there). That fish looked mean! Like Sinatra after too many highballs mean. During the whole meal it was like this fish was staring me down saying “That all you got? Come on, mutha fucka! I will kick yo ass … IN HELL!”

I’m not the kind of guy that’s easily intimidated by a deep-fried fish … head or no head … so I ate my fair share of the little bastard.

After the meal we’re all sitting there and our lady friends keep looking at the fish then looking at us then looking at the fish… Luckily, my buddy speaks a little Thai. Turns out they were wondering if we were going to eat the eyeballs! Uhhhh, knock yourself out ladies. And they did.

But how polite was that? I guess the Thai version of Emily Post has a section on how to deal with those embarrassing dinner parties where you have too many people and not enough fish eyes.

OK. I get the first one - "no smoking". And I think I get the last one - "no littering" (although it looks like the hand is picking up the litter). The one in the middle... hmmm... it's either saying "no goose-stepping" or "no pedophilia". I hope it's "no goose-stepping".  

You would think that a bear drinking bottled water is the unusual part of this picture. But what's really unusual is that this is at a hotel in Cambodia. Really. The hotel has a bear pit in the back. You can imagine the Expedia entry..

Pool yes
Gym no
Tennis no
Bear Pit yes

Show Reviews

I’m sure you’ve all heard of these sex shows that you can see in Bangkok. You know, ping pong balls and that sort of thing. Well, being the theater lover that I am, I enjoy taking in a live show from time to time. Let me give you a run down of the shows you can see over there at “The Broadway of Southeast Asia” called Patpong…

Ping Pong Balls A girl lays on the stage and shoots ping pong balls out of her coochie. I appreciate the talent, but it’s cliché really. I’ll give it one star. *

Blow Dart Similar to the ping pong ball act. A girl lays on stage and shoots a blow dart from her coochie. It’s more interesting than the Ping Pong Balls act because she will get people in the audience to hold targets (generally balloons) so there is always the chance that some fat German tourist will lose an eye. **

Razors A girl ties a bunch of razors together with a string, sticks them up her coochie, and then pulls them out one at a time. I don’t really get the point of this one. It just seems weird to me. *

Bottle Opener A girl opens a coke bottle using her coochie as the bottle opener. Now that’s a great skill for a girl to have! Imagine if your girlfriend could do that. “Hey, honey, bring me a beer. And would you mind opening it?” ***

Smoking Yep. A girl smokes a cigarette with her coochie. Now that’s just cool. ***

Writing A girl will write your name on a piece of paper using a magic marker stuck in her coochie. It makes a great souvenir. Just don’t let your wife see it when you get home. **

Chopsticks A girl picks up plastic rings from the stage floor using genuine chopsticks which she has carefully inserted in her coochie. Now, y’all know that I am not proficient with chopsticks using my hands so this one is just goddamn amazing to me. ****

Fish I’ve only seen this act one time. What happens is a girl comes out and dances around a fish bowl for a little while. Then she squats over it and shoots a fish out of her coochie. The fish is still alive and starts swimming around. I’m not shittin’ you. Unbelievably, she does this a couple more times! All the fish are alive! This is probably the best act I’ve ever seen. Way better than “Phantom of the Opera” or “Cats”. ****

I do have some advice though…

1. Do not bring your wife or girlfriend to the show. Many women SAY they want to see one of these shows out of curiosity, but believe me – THEY DON’T! As soon as they get in there they get all high and mighty and start talking about how these girls are being exploited. And brother, let me tell ya, the last thing I need when I’m getting loaded, feeling up some necked Thai chick sitting on my lap, and watching a girl blow smoke out her coochie is to look over and see your fat ass wife sneering at me!

2. Do not gamble on the acts. The last time I saw one of these shows I started offering the chopstick / plastic ring girls cash money if they could toss those rings around my beer bottle using the chopsticks in their coochie. You know, like at the State Fair. Well, that was a bad idea. Apparently these girls have A LOT of spare time and they are damn good at ring toss.

3. Leave before closing time. In addition to the show, there are necked chicks wandering around the place who will keep you company (you have to buy them drinks, of course) while you enjoy the various acts on stage. During the show it’s easy to limit your companions to one or two necked Thai chicks sitting on your lap with their hands down your pants. But at closing time, it turns into “Dawn of the Dead”. Every chick in there wants to go home with someone (for money, of course) so at closing time you will be surrounded by 10 or 15 Thai chicks who will start grabbing you, kissing you, rubbing you… which sounds pretty good.. but they will also be asking for drinks. I usually throw some money on the other side of the room and then run for the door while all the girls wrastle over the money.

Tired of hydroponics and cartoon character bongs? Come on down to Ye Olde Hemp Market where our weed is grown the old fashon way - by slaves. And check out our selection of bamboo, stone, and even human bone bongs. At Ye Olde Hemp Market we ... uh ... damn. What was I talking about?  

Now honestly, was this ever a real problem?  

Binge Drinking Hooligans

Most Americans think of Brits as these stuffy, smarty-pants types. Sipping tea and saying things like “Well, old boy, I’d say it’s a case of horses for courses.” Well, I’m here to tell ya it’s a lie. The Brits are a bunch of binge-drinking, bar-fighting hooligans – and I went to college in Texas so I know. Here’s an example…

I got into London, England this morning but my hotel room was not ready so I had to wait. I hung out in the lobby until noon (well, 11:00 AM) and then I went to the pub to wait. After a while (really noon now) this big guy who is clearly drunk sits down at the table next to me and starts listening to his CD player. This guy is really wasted. He’s like 1 o’clock in the morning wasted and it’s just noon.

Anyway, he has his music turned up soo loud I can hear it and it's this speed-metal, mosh pit, boot-to-the-teeth kind of music. The guy is mumbling something which to me seems like he is singing along..... "look at her, uh uh uh, i've had them all, uh uh uh"... A bit later I realize that he's not singing, he's talking to me and he's talking about the girls working at the bar. Here is the conversation after that:

Bloke: "Oye! The first time you DID IT... (piston motion with his hand) did you pull out right away or did you follow through?"

Luther Ray: "Well, I was pretty young the first time I DID IT, so there wasn't much follow through."

Bloke: "Ha ha ha. I've done it four times. The first time was with a hammer." (hammer motion with hand).

Luther Ray: (thinking) "Hmm. We're not talking about sex, are we?"

Bloke: "Just like in The Godfather, I popped him right in his head with a hammer. Ha ha ha."

Luther Ray: (drinking quickly, planning escape) "Oh, I've never done anything like that."

Bloke: "Ha ha ha. Come on. You're a gun dealer. It's written all over your face."

Luther Ray: (looking for potential weapons to use on Bloke) "No, really, I've never done anything like that."

Bloke: "Ha ha ha. Oh, you've mean you've done A LOT of things like that, hey, mate? Hey? Ha ha ha"

Luther Ray: (finishing drink, leaving) "Well, uh, take it easy, mate."

Bloke: "All right, I'll see ya later."

Luther Ray: (thinking) "Not if I see you first, freak."

The good news is that England has extended the hours that pubs can be open. Now the pubs can be open 24 hours a day. All the Brits will be dead within a year.

I need y'all to help me with this one. I think the top picture is saying "Don't take a pick axe to your neighbor's water line because he ate your dog." And I think the bottom picture is saying "Hey, moron. Those are electric lines, not cable TV." I could be wrong.  

I tell ya what, there's nothing better than lighting up a big old Monte Cristo after a fine wine and a big bowl of noodles.  

The Driving Test

Well, I bought me a motorcycle in Bangkok. By American standards it’s a little thing, but by Thai standards it’s big hog of a bike. It’s like a mini-Harley. But would you believe that on the way home from the freakin motorcycle store I got pulled over by the police. Apparently I was in a bus lane. I should have known it was a bus lane because there were slightly fewer motorcycles in it than the other lanes.

So the cop explains to me that I was in a bus lane and shows me a ticket that is already written out. All it needs is my name. I was a little worried because I didn’t have a driver’s license. He was a real nice fella though. He let me pay my fine right there so I wouldn’t have to bother going down to the station. He even gave me a discount.

After this experience I figured I better get a driver’s license so I would get a better discount on the next ticket.

Like back home, getting a driver’s license in Thailand involves a written test and a driving test. When I showed up for the written test I was given an English language driving rules booklet and a seat amongst 99 Thai people. After a few minutes this guy started giving a speech in Thai which sounded like one of those “driving is a privilege, not a right” kind of speeches. I was thinking this was pretty sweet because the test would be open book. But when the first guy was finished, he introduced another guy. And this guy had slides. Oh, crap! I soon realized that this was a mandatory driver’s ed class. All in Thai. And the slides didn’t even have any pictures!

I was in that little personal hell for THREE HOURS! I then realized why the driving rules book was loaded with graffiti and corrections of the English. Everyone before me had nothing to do but make rude comments in that book. I, of course, added a few of my own.

I kept wondering what would have happened if I was the only person that showed up that day. Would that guy have talked for 3 hours knowing that I didn’t understand a damn thing he was saying?

So after that I took the written test, in English, and passed it. It was now time for the driving test. After an hour break for lunch, of course.

For the driving test, this place had a 1/3 scale little city complete with stop signs, bridges, one way streets, etc. Of course to be realistic for Bangkok it needed 1/3 scale elephants in the road, 1/3 scale tuk-tuks driving the wrong way, and 1/3 scale prostitutes hanging out by the 1/3 scale park. Maybe the prostitutes would only charge 1/3 the price. Well, it’s probably a good thing there weren’t any mini hookers there. I might not have passed the driving test.

One funny thing is that most people taking the test drove their own bikes there. There was even a guy in a Pizza Hut delivery uniform with a Pizza Hut bike. I’m not kidding.

For those of us that didn’t have the balls to drive our own bike to the driving test, there were bikes for rent. I had to wait in line and the only bike left for me was the bike from “Dumb and Dumber”. Honestly. It was 2 feet tall, no working signals, and best of all – no brakes. I hoped I would be judged on effort. Actually my biggest concern was getting lice from the rented helmet.

So I strapped on my lice helmet, hopped on that bad boy lawn-mower-on-two-wheels, and away I went. I’m sure I put in the fastest lap that day even though I was using my feet to stop. I almost lapped the Pizza Hut guy. Thirty minutes or free mutha fucka!

That night while celebrating my triumph over the Thai Dept of Land Transportation one of my friends says “You know, you could have just given the clerk 500 baht ($13) for the license.”

Sure, I love the dress. But how is it going to look when I'm working in the rice field?  

Seems like a respectable place. I hope they have "My Way" 

Hmmm. I can't decide between the stewed snake or the minced snake.  

These dogs are all for sale but something tells me they ain't gonna wind up as pets...

Goodbye My Sweetheart, Hello Vietnam

Honk! Honk honk! Hoooooonk! Honkity honk! That’s the sound of Vietnam. Now before y’all start telling me it’s the same way in New York City you have to realize those are little Honda scooter horns, not a bunch of Pakis in Yellow Cabs.

So here’s the deal. There are about 20 cars and 10 MILLION Honda scooters in Vietnam. To keep the traffic moving smoothly the forward thinking government has installed 6 traffic lights in all of Vietnam. So when you approach an intersection you honk your horn and go right on through. So does everyone else. Every intersection looks like the A&M marching band practicing their half time routine.

For a pedestrian crossing the street, the best thing to do is have a shot of whisky and just walk straight across at a constant speed. If you look at the bikes your “I don’t want to die” reflex will just screw everything up and you will get killed.

Now on to the important stuff – beer and women…

They have a beer there called Bia Hoi. Easy to remember because it sounds like pirate beer. Beer Ahoy. Yarrrr. So this beer costs 25 CENTS per glass. Can you fuckin believe that? And it taste pretty damn good. Especially after you’ve had 2 or 3 dollars worth of it. The downside of the classy establishment where I was testing the local brew was that they had a pay toilet. It was down the street at some Ho Chi Minh lookin dude’s house. And he was charging the equivalent of 3 cents to take a leak in his toilet. Of course he did have a really cute daughter? Grand daughter? Who can fuckin tell how old these dinks are. Anyway, I tried to chat her up with the only Vietnamese I know “Me want boom boom.” That didn’t go down too well. Vietnamese is a tonal language so I probably said it wrong.

So on to the chicas. It’s hard to tell how cute most of the Viet chicks are because they’re always wearing hats and a bandana over their face … train-robber style. But, I can tell you this. They average about 1 cup size bigger than Thai girls. And that Viet tradition dress. Dayum! That thing is sexy. I don’t know why because it covers everything except their face. Ummm, but it covers everything soo tightly.

If you're ever over there in England, you won't want to miss this.  

I think this means you have to put your beer down if you want to fire the guns.  

London, England

Recently I was over there in London, England. If you’re from The South, you always have to add the “England” part even though everybody knows where London is. Sort of like people from The North always say Dallas, Texas. “Today, in Dallas Texas, President Kennedy blah blah blah…”

Now used to, if I was in London, England and mentioned that I was from Texas, people’s eyes would light up and they would get sort of excited. That would be my cue to start talking about guns, gun laws, gun racks, gun shows… any story with a gun in it would fascinate them.

My favorite little Texas gun trivia came from my Daddy. In Texas, anyone can get a license to carry a gun by taking a firearms class. If you pass the class you can carry a gun but it HAS to be concealed. I guess they’re trying to keep people from walking around with holsters and six shooters like they’re John Wayne or something. So my Daddy got his “license to kill” and now he can carry a gun anywhere he wants, except TWO places…

1. A bar. You can’t carry a gun into a bar. You gotta take it outside if you want to pop a cap in someone.

2. A sporting event. You can imagine what would happen if some team connected with a long pass against the Cowboys if half the people in the crowd had guns and had been drinking stadium beer all day.

So that was the old days in London, England. Now if I mention that I’m from Texas, I get an earful of “Why I hate George Bush.” I tell you what, they HATE Dubya over there. Like football rivalry hate. Like A&M vs Texas hate.

What’s funny is that when Dubya was first elected they hated him because they thought he was an idiot. I’ve tried to explain to Brits that sometimes we Americans like to have someone running the country that you would invite over to your BBQ. Someone that you would trust to cook the burgers.

Now they think Dubya is this religious mastermind who fooled them into thinking he was an idiot. Actually, I think Ann Richards said something to that effect after Dubya won the race for Texas Governor.

So now if I’m over there in London, England and someone asks me where I’m from, I tell em I’m from Louisiana and I’ve got the necked pictures of my sister to prove it.

Do you want a snake? Have one delivered. Just go to www.snakes-overnight.com. Our certified snake handlers can deliver the snakes of your choice to you or your sworn enemy's home within 24 hours of receiving your order.

At Snakes-Overnight.com, our prices don't bite, but our snakes do!

How do you know if any Philippinos have been in your house? Footprints on the toilet.  

Flight Delays

Now this is sort of a follow up story to my recent experience in the Tokyo lounge. As I’ve mentioned before, they’ve got this automatic beer pouring machine in there. I am truly fascinated by it. So much so that I watched it pour about 11 beers before my flight.

There’s short period in the lounge that is a little hazy to me, but I do remember waking up to someone poking me and saying it’s time to go.

This particular day I was flying United Airlines. Now the thing with all American carriers is that the waitresses (a.k.a. flight attendants) work on a seniority system. That means the oldest broads get first pick on which flights they work. Of course, all the waitresses want the international flights because then they can work like 2 days a week and they’re done. So this flight was staffed, as usual, by a bunch of old hags and a couple homos.

As I was making my way to my seat, one of these old hags was flirting with me… “Can I take your jacket, sir?” “It looks like you had a good time in Tokyo” that sort of thing. So, I slapped her on the ass and said “Bring me a whisky, darlin.”

Well, that didn’t seem to go down to well because I didn’t get a whisky and soon one of the homo waitresses came to talk to me.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you deplane now.”

“Deplane! Deplane! Who are you? Tattoo? Tell Mr. Rork I’m still waiting on my whisky”

“Sir, I need you to leave the aircraft.”

“Why?”

“I think you’ve had too much to drink, sir.”

“Too much to drink? Hell, I’m just gettin started, son. I got 12 hours of free liquor coming. Besides, I’m not flying this fucker. Who cares if I’m drunk?”

“Sir…”

“Tell Sweetie back there to come up here and I’ll make everything all right.”

Then the homo left. I thought everything was cool and decided to take a little nap before we took off. Next thing I know Mr Waitress is back and he’s got 2 Jap cops with him. I sized them up and I figured I could take ‘em. Except they had guns.

“Sir, we’ve booked you on another flight. If you would like to step outside I can give you the details.”

“Look. I ain’t stupid. You give me the details here. I ain’t spending the night in jail.”

“No one said anything about jail, sir.”

Now ordinarily I would’ve busted a beer bottle and shoved it this guy’s throat. But being without a beer bottle, and realizing that my whisky was never going to show, I decided to “deplane” before those Jap cops shot my ass.

I tell ya, the world changed on 9/11. Before then, the waitresses WANTED you to get drunk and slap their ass. Now you have a couple beers, slap an ass, and you’re treated like a terrorist.

I tell you what, these Chinese people sure do know how to have a good time. Just imagine all the fun stuff that is NOT prohibited... smoking, spitting, cock fighting...

I'm not exactly sure what the bottom right sign says, but I think it says you can get a fine of 1500 Hong Kong dollars ($214) for not washing your hands after eating pigeons.

Fight Club 

Fight Club

What’s the first rule of fight club? We don’t talk about fight club.

I actually belong to a fight club. It’s based in Bangkok and meets every Sunday night. The matches last anywhere from 15 minutes to 45 minutes. The winner of each fight gets 100 Baht ($2.50) but the loser gets flushed down the toilet. That’s right, it’s a fish fight club.

I joined this fight club because I was alone, looking for direction in my life, trying to fill that bottomless pit of despair and self-loathing brought on by years of substance abuse, and because the fights take place in my friend’s bar. So it was a great excuse to go drinking on a Sunday night.

The first time at fight club I didn’t have a fish. Who does? Lucky for me, my bar-owner friend had some fish for sale. She also had young women, but they were only for rent. Anyway, I picked out the biggest and ugliest fish of the bunch figuring he would be the best fighter. I named him Big George after George Foreman, of course, who, by the way, is also from Marshall, TX.

I actually ran into George Foreman at McDonald’s one day (before he could make his own burgers with his grill). He is the biggest guy I have ever seen in my life. Boxing him would be like boxing a tree with a mule tied to it.

So back to fight club. You get your fish, make bets with your buddy, drop your fish in “the arena” (a.k.a. bowl), and then watch the two fish kick the shit out of each other. It’s a lot more entertaining than you would think. Way better than a bug zapper.

At first the fish prance around (yes, fish can actually prance) slapping each other in the face with their tails. Then one of them has enough of that shit and will bite some of that tail off. Then, IT IS ON, baby! The fish start biting pieces off each other - like Mike Tyson. Later on there are little bits of fish tails and fins all over the bottom of the bowl. At some point the fish go Brokeback Mountain on us and lock lips. But rather than expressing their homo love, they are actually trying to drown each other. Neither fish can breathe and they float to the bottom. First fish to let go and come up to breathe is the loser. Unless the other one never comes up. In that case the owner / trainer takes a trip to the men’s room…

FYI, Big George is alive and well. I’m teaching him Kung Fu.

Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo and I've got to say this is the strangest damn thing I've ever seen. Apparently this is a video game accessory that allows you to eat while you're playing video games. They do have a problem out there in Asia with people dropping dead after playing online games in internet cafes for like 72 hours straight.

I've got the opposite problem. Because I live in the rural, my connection speed is about 19K on a good day. A good day being no rain and no pine trees falling on the phone lines. That means lots of waiting for porn downloads which leads to lots of Macaroni & Cheese snacking while I wait.

Anyway, check out the website here:

http://www.watch.impress.co.jp/game/docs/20060213/ggl.htm

It's in Japanese but all you need to see are the pictures. They even have spoon and fork attachments for all of us non-rice-eaters. If they come out with a fork and steak knife set I might think about it.

Well, you can't accuse these guys of false advertising. That's certainly "A Go Go Girl" although I don't think she qualifies as one of the "Hot Ladies" also advertised. Now before you "sensitive readers" get bent out of shape, that girl is the bar owner's daughter who just happened to be hanging out in front of the bar that day. She was not for sale. Not for any sort of reasonable price at least.  

I really don't know what the hell was going on here. Maybe it was "Ring around the 737 Day". The beauty of this little exercise was that the pilot kept the engines on the whole time. I guess that way if there were any trouble makers he could take them down with jet exhaust.

This has to be the best combination since someone got their chocolate in my peanut butter, or was it someone got their peanut butter in my chocolate? Either way Thai Massage + Thai Herb is a win win situation any way you look at it.  

You probably didn't realize that Ronald McDonald is a Buddhist. After all that's pretty progressive for someone from Illinois. Of course in the the Philippines he's a Catholic. And in India he's a Hindu and deplores eating beef. He sells A LOT of french fries there... 

Tokyo Airport Lounge

Some times I just can’t believe how The Man still manages to keep me down even after I’ve become an Agriculture Specialist. Recently I had a layover in the Tokyo airport. Some people call it Narita, but I call it “that airport with the automatic beer pouring machine” but that’s going to be a post all by itself…

Now ordinarily when I visit Narita, I get all f’d up on the free beer and start working my magic on the slanty-eyed ladies that come around and collect your empties. They’re a little older than I usually roll with, but, hey, grandma slanty has needs to, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, this trip I got a little inspiration from Johnny Cash and realized that The Man was behind the free beer. The Man WANTS me to get all f’d up and start some shit in the lounge, which I usually do. Ordinarily my layover ends with The Man sending some of his yellow Kung Fu friends down to the business class lounge to escort me to the plane. Usually by that time I’m so messed up that I’m forced to go Hiroshima on their ass. It gets pretty ugly.

So this time I figure instead of getting rip-roaring drunk and making a scene I’d make a little money instead. I’m always thinking of business ideas. Like the other day I thought about a laser bug zapper. Now that would be sweet! You could sit out in your backyard, put on some Floyd, and watch those mosquitos die for your stoned pleasure.

Anyway, back to the lounge. Before I started raking in the dough, I decided to check Article 6 of the business class Wireless Internet Usage agreement because I’m trying to go legit and I was also trying to avoid any Kung Fu that day. Now this “agreement” was clearly written by The Man because it blocked me from every damn business idea I had…

Article 6 (Forbidden acts)

1. Infringing on the copyright and other intellectual properties of other users, any third party and/or United

Business Idea #1 – Download some Johnny Cash and go sell mix CDs outside the Duty Free. The only thing cheaper than duty free is pirated merchandise. I would have sold the crap out those CDs.

3. Any act to discriminate, detract from other users or a third party or to destroy their honor and credibility

Now really, I think they’re violating their own rule because I’m clearly being discriminated against. And I didn’t get invited to either of the first two parties, so I damn sure ain’t going to this one.

4. Any criminal act such as fraud

Business Idea #2 – Print some fake money. People here can’t tell the difference. I was going to sell US cash money for half price out there by that money changing bitch. Believe me, it would’ve served her right. But I don’t want to talk about that right now.

5. Transmission or carrying images, documents, etc. that fall within the purview of obscenity, child pornography or child abuse

Business Idea #3 – Apparently a “child” is anyone under 15 here. That blows my idea of selling those pictures I took at the park.

6. Setting up an endless money chain club or soliciting membership in one

Business Idea #4 – Setup an endless money chain club. Damnit.

7. Transmitting or carrying false information or falsifying or deleting information

Now how is my girlfriend going to get a drink without a fake ID?

8. Conducting an election campaign or similar regardless of the campaign period

Business Idea #5 – Become King of Japan through write in votes. You know that dude has to be rich. Plus he can get his pick of ALL those fine Japanese chicas.

9. Anything intended to earn a profit through or related to LAN access service without obtaining United permission in advance, or anything to prepare for it

Now that says it all. I can’t do anything that makes any money. Why don’t they just put that as rule #1 and be done with it. I had to read all the way down to #9. I could’ve been drinkin’ beer and chattin’ with the slanty girls (well, women) the entire time.

14. Illegal acts or those that run counter to public order and morals (such as prostitution, violence, atrocity), or acts that put other users or a third party at a disadvantage

Business Idea #6 – God damnit. That was my best idea. I was going to pimp some of these slanties out to those Ecos sitting out there in the plastic chairs that can’t get in the business class lounge.

And really, as for atrocity, these Japs are the last people to be telling me that I can’t commit any atrocities in here. I mean, come one, they killed 300,000 people and raped 20,000 women in Nanjing. I probably couldn’t rape more than 4 Chinese girls in the limited time I have here.

17. Any other act judged inappropriate by United Airlines

Who are they to judge ME? The last time I was in here they told me that taking a whiz in the corner was “inappropriate.” Can you believe that? For Christ sake, the bathroom is way on the other side of the room.

This sign ain't giving directions to the zoo. I suggest you give Dumbo the right of way if you're on a moped. A few more miles down the road there was a "hooker crossing" sign.  

Here's a gas station in Thailand. "Fill 'er up. There's a nickel in it for ya if you don't spill any on my moped."