Star of Light

When I go out, I like to buy drinks for my buddies (unlike some of you cheap fuckers). But occasionally someone has gone out of their way to help me with something like moving a big screen TV or dumping a dead hooker in the woods. Buying them a drink doesn’t really seem to compensate. I’d rather say something like “Hey, bud, thanks for poisoning that dog. Let me buy you a blowjob.” Luckily there is a special little bar in Bangkok for just such a situation…

It’s called The Star of Light. It’s a blowjob bar. Yep. You can get a beer and a blowjob right there. If they had a big screen TV showing NFL I would never leave.

The Star of Light is a tiny little place. About the size of a mobile home (a.k.a. trailer). Not a double-wide, just a regular size trailer. There’s a bar down the right and a couple couches on the left. The bar is a little unusual because it has curtains under the counter in front of each stool. Now if you sit down at the bar and order a drink some chick will stick her head out of the curtains and start rubbing your crotch. If you’re a cheap son of a bitch you can just sit there and drink your beer while this chick does her best to get you in the mood. But most likely you will give into the surreal temptation of having some girl that you haven’t even quite seen yet (forget about names) unzip your pants and start blowing you while you drink your beer and chit chat with your buddies at the bar who are also getting blown.

Here’s the price breakdown:

Beer 80 Baht / $2
Blowjob 700 Baht / $17.50

You won’t believe this, but I saw a dude in there one time who was reading the fucking newspaper while some girl was going to town on him. It makes you wonder what section he was reading when he gave her the one gun salute… What if it was the Obituaries section? Creepy.

Yeah, so as you can imagine, this kind of bar doesn’t attract the best looking ladies as employees. I mean, who wants to suck dick all day? But what they lack in cuteness they make up for in enthusiasm. And skill. I mean, if these girls can get a guy off while he’s reading the newspaper they must know what they’re doing.

BTW, you can get two girls behind the curtains if you want to.

And I know what some of you pervs out there are wondering…And, well, let’s just say that the bar stocks a lot of mouth wash.

Not sure which caption applies here:

a) Sweet! They're finally installing that new elevator.
b) Looks like we'll be taking the stairs for a while.

This is why I'm over there. Look at that sad looking cow. My Momma could ride that thing in a rodeo. Turns out these "ranchers" blew all their money on stone fences instead of using barbed wire.  

You Gonna Eat That?

Not so long ago I was working on a project in Thailand. I tell you what, those Thais may know a lot about growing rice and shooting ping pong balls but they don’t know shit about raising cows. Those cows over there look more like giant Chihuahuas that somebody picked up at the animal shelter. I actually think that they don’t slaughter cows there. They just wait for them to die of starvation then cut em up. If you ever try Thai steak (that’s steak, not stick) you’ll see what I mean.

So after this project my buddy and me went to the beach down at this island called Phuket. I called the place “Fuck-It” the whole time I was there but I later learned that it’s really called “Poo-Ket”. I think “Fuck-It” is a better name because that’s about all I said once I got there…

Buddy: “Oh, man, I’m going to puke if I have another shot.”
Luther Ray: “Fuck it. Drink up, cowboy.”

Chica #1: “Me no condom.”
Luther Ray: “Fuck it.”

Buddy: “We should head to the airport or we’ll miss our flight.”
Luther Ray: “Fuck it.”

Buddy: “It’s the boss on the phone. He’s asking where we are and why we didn’t show up for work.”
Luther Ray: “Tell him ‘Fuck It’ and ‘Fuck it’.”

Anyway, one night me and my buddy took a couple young ladies we had met, or rented (I wasn’t sure yet) to dinner. Of course since it’s an island we had seafood. At the restaurants there they put all the fish, shrimp, oysters, crabs, etc. on ice in front of the restaurant. You pick what you want. It’s kind of like fishing if, like me, you fish by the dam floodgates. Just cast your line where the water sprays out of the dam and you’re bound to snag something. You can save a lot of money on bait that way.

So we chose a fish and the guy says “How do you want it cooked?” This kind of threw me because being from The South I thought there was only one way to cook a fish. Batter it and throw it in the Fry Daddy. So I figured this was some kind of hoity toity restaurant and told him “medium.” Turns out these Thai people have all sorts of ways to cook fish. Sometimes they even steam them. Weird. I mean, how would you steam a hushpuppy?

Turns out they didn’t have hushpuppy’s either.

So after some engaging conversation with our lady friends… “I like you. Where you come from? How long you stay in Thailand?” … the fish arrived. The first thing that struck me about this fish was that its head was still on. And judging by the grimace on his face, he was not very happy when they dropped him in the Fry Daddy (or whatever they use over there). That fish looked mean! Like Sinatra after too many highballs mean. During the whole meal it was like this fish was staring me down saying “That all you got? Come on, mutha fucka! I will kick yo ass … IN HELL!”

I’m not the kind of guy that’s easily intimidated by a deep-fried fish … head or no head … so I ate my fair share of the little bastard.

After the meal we’re all sitting there and our lady friends keep looking at the fish then looking at us then looking at the fish… Luckily, my buddy speaks a little Thai. Turns out they were wondering if we were going to eat the eyeballs! Uhhhh, knock yourself out ladies. And they did.

But how polite was that? I guess the Thai version of Emily Post has a section on how to deal with those embarrassing dinner parties where you have too many people and not enough fish eyes.

OK. I get the first one - "no smoking". And I think I get the last one - "no littering" (although it looks like the hand is picking up the litter). The one in the middle... hmmm... it's either saying "no goose-stepping" or "no pedophilia". I hope it's "no goose-stepping".  

You would think that a bear drinking bottled water is the unusual part of this picture. But what's really unusual is that this is at a hotel in Cambodia. Really. The hotel has a bear pit in the back. You can imagine the Expedia entry..

Pool yes
Gym no
Tennis no
Bear Pit yes

Show Reviews

I’m sure you’ve all heard of these sex shows that you can see in Bangkok. You know, ping pong balls and that sort of thing. Well, being the theater lover that I am, I enjoy taking in a live show from time to time. Let me give you a run down of the shows you can see over there at “The Broadway of Southeast Asia” called Patpong…

Ping Pong Balls A girl lays on the stage and shoots ping pong balls out of her coochie. I appreciate the talent, but it’s cliché really. I’ll give it one star. *

Blow Dart Similar to the ping pong ball act. A girl lays on stage and shoots a blow dart from her coochie. It’s more interesting than the Ping Pong Balls act because she will get people in the audience to hold targets (generally balloons) so there is always the chance that some fat German tourist will lose an eye. **

Razors A girl ties a bunch of razors together with a string, sticks them up her coochie, and then pulls them out one at a time. I don’t really get the point of this one. It just seems weird to me. *

Bottle Opener A girl opens a coke bottle using her coochie as the bottle opener. Now that’s a great skill for a girl to have! Imagine if your girlfriend could do that. “Hey, honey, bring me a beer. And would you mind opening it?” ***

Smoking Yep. A girl smokes a cigarette with her coochie. Now that’s just cool. ***

Writing A girl will write your name on a piece of paper using a magic marker stuck in her coochie. It makes a great souvenir. Just don’t let your wife see it when you get home. **

Chopsticks A girl picks up plastic rings from the stage floor using genuine chopsticks which she has carefully inserted in her coochie. Now, y’all know that I am not proficient with chopsticks using my hands so this one is just goddamn amazing to me. ****

Fish I’ve only seen this act one time. What happens is a girl comes out and dances around a fish bowl for a little while. Then she squats over it and shoots a fish out of her coochie. The fish is still alive and starts swimming around. I’m not shittin’ you. Unbelievably, she does this a couple more times! All the fish are alive! This is probably the best act I’ve ever seen. Way better than “Phantom of the Opera” or “Cats”. ****

I do have some advice though…

1. Do not bring your wife or girlfriend to the show. Many women SAY they want to see one of these shows out of curiosity, but believe me – THEY DON’T! As soon as they get in there they get all high and mighty and start talking about how these girls are being exploited. And brother, let me tell ya, the last thing I need when I’m getting loaded, feeling up some necked Thai chick sitting on my lap, and watching a girl blow smoke out her coochie is to look over and see your fat ass wife sneering at me!

2. Do not gamble on the acts. The last time I saw one of these shows I started offering the chopstick / plastic ring girls cash money if they could toss those rings around my beer bottle using the chopsticks in their coochie. You know, like at the State Fair. Well, that was a bad idea. Apparently these girls have A LOT of spare time and they are damn good at ring toss.

3. Leave before closing time. In addition to the show, there are necked chicks wandering around the place who will keep you company (you have to buy them drinks, of course) while you enjoy the various acts on stage. During the show it’s easy to limit your companions to one or two necked Thai chicks sitting on your lap with their hands down your pants. But at closing time, it turns into “Dawn of the Dead”. Every chick in there wants to go home with someone (for money, of course) so at closing time you will be surrounded by 10 or 15 Thai chicks who will start grabbing you, kissing you, rubbing you… which sounds pretty good.. but they will also be asking for drinks. I usually throw some money on the other side of the room and then run for the door while all the girls wrastle over the money.

Tired of hydroponics and cartoon character bongs? Come on down to Ye Olde Hemp Market where our weed is grown the old fashon way - by slaves. And check out our selection of bamboo, stone, and even human bone bongs. At Ye Olde Hemp Market we ... uh ... damn. What was I talking about?  

Now honestly, was this ever a real problem?  

Binge Drinking Hooligans

Most Americans think of Brits as these stuffy, smarty-pants types. Sipping tea and saying things like “Well, old boy, I’d say it’s a case of horses for courses.” Well, I’m here to tell ya it’s a lie. The Brits are a bunch of binge-drinking, bar-fighting hooligans – and I went to college in Texas so I know. Here’s an example…

I got into London, England this morning but my hotel room was not ready so I had to wait. I hung out in the lobby until noon (well, 11:00 AM) and then I went to the pub to wait. After a while (really noon now) this big guy who is clearly drunk sits down at the table next to me and starts listening to his CD player. This guy is really wasted. He’s like 1 o’clock in the morning wasted and it’s just noon.

Anyway, he has his music turned up soo loud I can hear it and it's this speed-metal, mosh pit, boot-to-the-teeth kind of music. The guy is mumbling something which to me seems like he is singing along..... "look at her, uh uh uh, i've had them all, uh uh uh"... A bit later I realize that he's not singing, he's talking to me and he's talking about the girls working at the bar. Here is the conversation after that:

Bloke: "Oye! The first time you DID IT... (piston motion with his hand) did you pull out right away or did you follow through?"

Luther Ray: "Well, I was pretty young the first time I DID IT, so there wasn't much follow through."

Bloke: "Ha ha ha. I've done it four times. The first time was with a hammer." (hammer motion with hand).

Luther Ray: (thinking) "Hmm. We're not talking about sex, are we?"

Bloke: "Just like in The Godfather, I popped him right in his head with a hammer. Ha ha ha."

Luther Ray: (drinking quickly, planning escape) "Oh, I've never done anything like that."

Bloke: "Ha ha ha. Come on. You're a gun dealer. It's written all over your face."

Luther Ray: (looking for potential weapons to use on Bloke) "No, really, I've never done anything like that."

Bloke: "Ha ha ha. Oh, you've mean you've done A LOT of things like that, hey, mate? Hey? Ha ha ha"

Luther Ray: (finishing drink, leaving) "Well, uh, take it easy, mate."

Bloke: "All right, I'll see ya later."

Luther Ray: (thinking) "Not if I see you first, freak."

The good news is that England has extended the hours that pubs can be open. Now the pubs can be open 24 hours a day. All the Brits will be dead within a year.