Some times I just can’t believe how The Man still manages to keep me down even after I’ve become an Agriculture Specialist. Recently I had a layover in the Tokyo airport. Some people call it Narita, but I call it “that airport with the automatic beer pouring machine” but that’s going to be a post all by itself…
Now ordinarily when I visit Narita, I get all f’d up on the free beer and start working my magic on the slanty-eyed ladies that come around and collect your empties. They’re a little older than I usually roll with, but, hey, grandma slanty has needs to, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, this trip I got a little inspiration from Johnny Cash and realized that The Man was behind the free beer. The Man WANTS me to get all f’d up and start some shit in the lounge, which I usually do. Ordinarily my layover ends with The Man sending some of his yellow Kung Fu friends down to the business class lounge to escort me to the plane. Usually by that time I’m so messed up that I’m forced to go Hiroshima on their ass. It gets pretty ugly.
So this time I figure instead of getting rip-roaring drunk and making a scene I’d make a little money instead. I’m always thinking of business ideas. Like the other day I thought about a laser bug zapper. Now that would be sweet! You could sit out in your backyard, put on some Floyd, and watch those mosquitos die for your stoned pleasure.
Anyway, back to the lounge. Before I started raking in the dough, I decided to check Article 6 of the business class Wireless Internet Usage agreement because I’m trying to go legit and I was also trying to avoid any Kung Fu that day. Now this “agreement” was clearly written by The Man because it blocked me from every damn business idea I had…
Article 6 (Forbidden acts)
1. Infringing on the copyright and other intellectual properties of other users, any third party and/or United
Business Idea #1 – Download some Johnny Cash and go sell mix CDs outside the Duty Free. The only thing cheaper than duty free is pirated merchandise. I would have sold the crap out those CDs.
3. Any act to discriminate, detract from other users or a third party or to destroy their honor and credibility
Now really, I think they’re violating their own rule because I’m clearly being discriminated against. And I didn’t get invited to either of the first two parties, so I damn sure ain’t going to this one.
4. Any criminal act such as fraud
Business Idea #2 – Print some fake money. People here can’t tell the difference. I was going to sell US cash money for half price out there by that money changing bitch. Believe me, it would’ve served her right. But I don’t want to talk about that right now.
5. Transmission or carrying images, documents, etc. that fall within the purview of obscenity, child pornography or child abuse
Business Idea #3 – Apparently a “child” is anyone under 15 here. That blows my idea of selling those pictures I took at the park.
6. Setting up an endless money chain club or soliciting membership in one
Business Idea #4 – Setup an endless money chain club. Damnit.
7. Transmitting or carrying false information or falsifying or deleting information
Now how is my girlfriend going to get a drink without a fake ID?
8. Conducting an election campaign or similar regardless of the campaign period
Business Idea #5 – Become King of Japan through write in votes. You know that dude has to be rich. Plus he can get his pick of ALL those fine Japanese chicas.
9. Anything intended to earn a profit through or related to LAN access service without obtaining United permission in advance, or anything to prepare for it
Now that says it all. I can’t do anything that makes any money. Why don’t they just put that as rule #1 and be done with it. I had to read all the way down to #9. I could’ve been drinkin’ beer and chattin’ with the slanty girls (well, women) the entire time.
14. Illegal acts or those that run counter to public order and morals (such as prostitution, violence, atrocity), or acts that put other users or a third party at a disadvantage
Business Idea #6 – God damnit. That was my best idea. I was going to pimp some of these slanties out to those Ecos sitting out there in the plastic chairs that can’t get in the business class lounge.
And really, as for atrocity, these Japs are the last people to be telling me that I can’t commit any atrocities in here. I mean, come one, they killed 300,000 people and raped 20,000 women in Nanjing. I probably couldn’t rape more than 4 Chinese girls in the limited time I have here.
17. Any other act judged inappropriate by United Airlines
Who are they to judge ME? The last time I was in here they told me that taking a whiz in the corner was “inappropriate.” Can you believe that? For Christ sake, the bathroom is way on the other side of the room.
