Show Reviews

I’m sure you’ve all heard of these sex shows that you can see in Bangkok. You know, ping pong balls and that sort of thing. Well, being the theater lover that I am, I enjoy taking in a live show from time to time. Let me give you a run down of the shows you can see over there at “The Broadway of Southeast Asia” called Patpong…

Ping Pong Balls A girl lays on the stage and shoots ping pong balls out of her coochie. I appreciate the talent, but it’s cliché really. I’ll give it one star. *

Blow Dart Similar to the ping pong ball act. A girl lays on stage and shoots a blow dart from her coochie. It’s more interesting than the Ping Pong Balls act because she will get people in the audience to hold targets (generally balloons) so there is always the chance that some fat German tourist will lose an eye. **

Razors A girl ties a bunch of razors together with a string, sticks them up her coochie, and then pulls them out one at a time. I don’t really get the point of this one. It just seems weird to me. *

Bottle Opener A girl opens a coke bottle using her coochie as the bottle opener. Now that’s a great skill for a girl to have! Imagine if your girlfriend could do that. “Hey, honey, bring me a beer. And would you mind opening it?” ***

Smoking Yep. A girl smokes a cigarette with her coochie. Now that’s just cool. ***

Writing A girl will write your name on a piece of paper using a magic marker stuck in her coochie. It makes a great souvenir. Just don’t let your wife see it when you get home. **

Chopsticks A girl picks up plastic rings from the stage floor using genuine chopsticks which she has carefully inserted in her coochie. Now, y’all know that I am not proficient with chopsticks using my hands so this one is just goddamn amazing to me. ****

Fish I’ve only seen this act one time. What happens is a girl comes out and dances around a fish bowl for a little while. Then she squats over it and shoots a fish out of her coochie. The fish is still alive and starts swimming around. I’m not shittin’ you. Unbelievably, she does this a couple more times! All the fish are alive! This is probably the best act I’ve ever seen. Way better than “Phantom of the Opera” or “Cats”. ****

I do have some advice though…

1. Do not bring your wife or girlfriend to the show. Many women SAY they want to see one of these shows out of curiosity, but believe me – THEY DON’T! As soon as they get in there they get all high and mighty and start talking about how these girls are being exploited. And brother, let me tell ya, the last thing I need when I’m getting loaded, feeling up some necked Thai chick sitting on my lap, and watching a girl blow smoke out her coochie is to look over and see your fat ass wife sneering at me!

2. Do not gamble on the acts. The last time I saw one of these shows I started offering the chopstick / plastic ring girls cash money if they could toss those rings around my beer bottle using the chopsticks in their coochie. You know, like at the State Fair. Well, that was a bad idea. Apparently these girls have A LOT of spare time and they are damn good at ring toss.

3. Leave before closing time. In addition to the show, there are necked chicks wandering around the place who will keep you company (you have to buy them drinks, of course) while you enjoy the various acts on stage. During the show it’s easy to limit your companions to one or two necked Thai chicks sitting on your lap with their hands down your pants. But at closing time, it turns into “Dawn of the Dead”. Every chick in there wants to go home with someone (for money, of course) so at closing time you will be surrounded by 10 or 15 Thai chicks who will start grabbing you, kissing you, rubbing you… which sounds pretty good.. but they will also be asking for drinks. I usually throw some money on the other side of the room and then run for the door while all the girls wrastle over the money.