The Driving Test

Well, I bought me a motorcycle in Bangkok. By American standards it’s a little thing, but by Thai standards it’s big hog of a bike. It’s like a mini-Harley. But would you believe that on the way home from the freakin motorcycle store I got pulled over by the police. Apparently I was in a bus lane. I should have known it was a bus lane because there were slightly fewer motorcycles in it than the other lanes.

So the cop explains to me that I was in a bus lane and shows me a ticket that is already written out. All it needs is my name. I was a little worried because I didn’t have a driver’s license. He was a real nice fella though. He let me pay my fine right there so I wouldn’t have to bother going down to the station. He even gave me a discount.

After this experience I figured I better get a driver’s license so I would get a better discount on the next ticket.

Like back home, getting a driver’s license in Thailand involves a written test and a driving test. When I showed up for the written test I was given an English language driving rules booklet and a seat amongst 99 Thai people. After a few minutes this guy started giving a speech in Thai which sounded like one of those “driving is a privilege, not a right” kind of speeches. I was thinking this was pretty sweet because the test would be open book. But when the first guy was finished, he introduced another guy. And this guy had slides. Oh, crap! I soon realized that this was a mandatory driver’s ed class. All in Thai. And the slides didn’t even have any pictures!

I was in that little personal hell for THREE HOURS! I then realized why the driving rules book was loaded with graffiti and corrections of the English. Everyone before me had nothing to do but make rude comments in that book. I, of course, added a few of my own.

I kept wondering what would have happened if I was the only person that showed up that day. Would that guy have talked for 3 hours knowing that I didn’t understand a damn thing he was saying?

So after that I took the written test, in English, and passed it. It was now time for the driving test. After an hour break for lunch, of course.

For the driving test, this place had a 1/3 scale little city complete with stop signs, bridges, one way streets, etc. Of course to be realistic for Bangkok it needed 1/3 scale elephants in the road, 1/3 scale tuk-tuks driving the wrong way, and 1/3 scale prostitutes hanging out by the 1/3 scale park. Maybe the prostitutes would only charge 1/3 the price. Well, it’s probably a good thing there weren’t any mini hookers there. I might not have passed the driving test.

One funny thing is that most people taking the test drove their own bikes there. There was even a guy in a Pizza Hut delivery uniform with a Pizza Hut bike. I’m not kidding.

For those of us that didn’t have the balls to drive our own bike to the driving test, there were bikes for rent. I had to wait in line and the only bike left for me was the bike from “Dumb and Dumber”. Honestly. It was 2 feet tall, no working signals, and best of all – no brakes. I hoped I would be judged on effort. Actually my biggest concern was getting lice from the rented helmet.

So I strapped on my lice helmet, hopped on that bad boy lawn-mower-on-two-wheels, and away I went. I’m sure I put in the fastest lap that day even though I was using my feet to stop. I almost lapped the Pizza Hut guy. Thirty minutes or free mutha fucka!

That night while celebrating my triumph over the Thai Dept of Land Transportation one of my friends says “You know, you could have just given the clerk 500 baht ($13) for the license.”