Goodbye My Sweetheart, Hello Vietnam

Honk! Honk honk! Hoooooonk! Honkity honk! That’s the sound of Vietnam. Now before y’all start telling me it’s the same way in New York City you have to realize those are little Honda scooter horns, not a bunch of Pakis in Yellow Cabs.

So here’s the deal. There are about 20 cars and 10 MILLION Honda scooters in Vietnam. To keep the traffic moving smoothly the forward thinking government has installed 6 traffic lights in all of Vietnam. So when you approach an intersection you honk your horn and go right on through. So does everyone else. Every intersection looks like the A&M marching band practicing their half time routine.

For a pedestrian crossing the street, the best thing to do is have a shot of whisky and just walk straight across at a constant speed. If you look at the bikes your “I don’t want to die” reflex will just screw everything up and you will get killed.

Now on to the important stuff – beer and women…

They have a beer there called Bia Hoi. Easy to remember because it sounds like pirate beer. Beer Ahoy. Yarrrr. So this beer costs 25 CENTS per glass. Can you fuckin believe that? And it taste pretty damn good. Especially after you’ve had 2 or 3 dollars worth of it. The downside of the classy establishment where I was testing the local brew was that they had a pay toilet. It was down the street at some Ho Chi Minh lookin dude’s house. And he was charging the equivalent of 3 cents to take a leak in his toilet. Of course he did have a really cute daughter? Grand daughter? Who can fuckin tell how old these dinks are. Anyway, I tried to chat her up with the only Vietnamese I know “Me want boom boom.” That didn’t go down too well. Vietnamese is a tonal language so I probably said it wrong.

So on to the chicas. It’s hard to tell how cute most of the Viet chicks are because they’re always wearing hats and a bandana over their face … train-robber style. But, I can tell you this. They average about 1 cup size bigger than Thai girls. And that Viet tradition dress. Dayum! That thing is sexy. I don’t know why because it covers everything except their face. Ummm, but it covers everything soo tightly.