Flight Delays

Now this is sort of a follow up story to my recent experience in the Tokyo lounge. As I’ve mentioned before, they’ve got this automatic beer pouring machine in there. I am truly fascinated by it. So much so that I watched it pour about 11 beers before my flight.

There’s short period in the lounge that is a little hazy to me, but I do remember waking up to someone poking me and saying it’s time to go.

This particular day I was flying United Airlines. Now the thing with all American carriers is that the waitresses (a.k.a. flight attendants) work on a seniority system. That means the oldest broads get first pick on which flights they work. Of course, all the waitresses want the international flights because then they can work like 2 days a week and they’re done. So this flight was staffed, as usual, by a bunch of old hags and a couple homos.

As I was making my way to my seat, one of these old hags was flirting with me… “Can I take your jacket, sir?” “It looks like you had a good time in Tokyo” that sort of thing. So, I slapped her on the ass and said “Bring me a whisky, darlin.”

Well, that didn’t seem to go down to well because I didn’t get a whisky and soon one of the homo waitresses came to talk to me.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you deplane now.”

“Deplane! Deplane! Who are you? Tattoo? Tell Mr. Rork I’m still waiting on my whisky”

“Sir, I need you to leave the aircraft.”

“Why?”

“I think you’ve had too much to drink, sir.”

“Too much to drink? Hell, I’m just gettin started, son. I got 12 hours of free liquor coming. Besides, I’m not flying this fucker. Who cares if I’m drunk?”

“Sir…”

“Tell Sweetie back there to come up here and I’ll make everything all right.”

Then the homo left. I thought everything was cool and decided to take a little nap before we took off. Next thing I know Mr Waitress is back and he’s got 2 Jap cops with him. I sized them up and I figured I could take ‘em. Except they had guns.

“Sir, we’ve booked you on another flight. If you would like to step outside I can give you the details.”

“Look. I ain’t stupid. You give me the details here. I ain’t spending the night in jail.”

“No one said anything about jail, sir.”

Now ordinarily I would’ve busted a beer bottle and shoved it this guy’s throat. But being without a beer bottle, and realizing that my whisky was never going to show, I decided to “deplane” before those Jap cops shot my ass.

I tell ya, the world changed on 9/11. Before then, the waitresses WANTED you to get drunk and slap their ass. Now you have a couple beers, slap an ass, and you’re treated like a terrorist.