Binge Drinking Hooligans

Most Americans think of Brits as these stuffy, smarty-pants types. Sipping tea and saying things like “Well, old boy, I’d say it’s a case of horses for courses.” Well, I’m here to tell ya it’s a lie. The Brits are a bunch of binge-drinking, bar-fighting hooligans – and I went to college in Texas so I know. Here’s an example…

I got into London, England this morning but my hotel room was not ready so I had to wait. I hung out in the lobby until noon (well, 11:00 AM) and then I went to the pub to wait. After a while (really noon now) this big guy who is clearly drunk sits down at the table next to me and starts listening to his CD player. This guy is really wasted. He’s like 1 o’clock in the morning wasted and it’s just noon.

Anyway, he has his music turned up soo loud I can hear it and it's this speed-metal, mosh pit, boot-to-the-teeth kind of music. The guy is mumbling something which to me seems like he is singing along..... "look at her, uh uh uh, i've had them all, uh uh uh"... A bit later I realize that he's not singing, he's talking to me and he's talking about the girls working at the bar. Here is the conversation after that:

Bloke: "Oye! The first time you DID IT... (piston motion with his hand) did you pull out right away or did you follow through?"

Luther Ray: "Well, I was pretty young the first time I DID IT, so there wasn't much follow through."

Bloke: "Ha ha ha. I've done it four times. The first time was with a hammer." (hammer motion with hand).

Luther Ray: (thinking) "Hmm. We're not talking about sex, are we?"

Bloke: "Just like in The Godfather, I popped him right in his head with a hammer. Ha ha ha."

Luther Ray: (drinking quickly, planning escape) "Oh, I've never done anything like that."

Bloke: "Ha ha ha. Come on. You're a gun dealer. It's written all over your face."

Luther Ray: (looking for potential weapons to use on Bloke) "No, really, I've never done anything like that."

Bloke: "Ha ha ha. Oh, you've mean you've done A LOT of things like that, hey, mate? Hey? Ha ha ha"

Luther Ray: (finishing drink, leaving) "Well, uh, take it easy, mate."

Bloke: "All right, I'll see ya later."

Luther Ray: (thinking) "Not if I see you first, freak."

The good news is that England has extended the hours that pubs can be open. Now the pubs can be open 24 hours a day. All the Brits will be dead within a year.