I need y'all to help me with this one. I think the top picture is saying "Don't take a pick axe to your neighbor's water line because he ate your dog." And I think the bottom picture is saying "Hey, moron. Those are electric lines, not cable TV." I could be wrong.  

I tell ya what, there's nothing better than lighting up a big old Monte Cristo after a fine wine and a big bowl of noodles.  

The Driving Test

Well, I bought me a motorcycle in Bangkok. By American standards it’s a little thing, but by Thai standards it’s big hog of a bike. It’s like a mini-Harley. But would you believe that on the way home from the freakin motorcycle store I got pulled over by the police. Apparently I was in a bus lane. I should have known it was a bus lane because there were slightly fewer motorcycles in it than the other lanes.

So the cop explains to me that I was in a bus lane and shows me a ticket that is already written out. All it needs is my name. I was a little worried because I didn’t have a driver’s license. He was a real nice fella though. He let me pay my fine right there so I wouldn’t have to bother going down to the station. He even gave me a discount.

After this experience I figured I better get a driver’s license so I would get a better discount on the next ticket.

Like back home, getting a driver’s license in Thailand involves a written test and a driving test. When I showed up for the written test I was given an English language driving rules booklet and a seat amongst 99 Thai people. After a few minutes this guy started giving a speech in Thai which sounded like one of those “driving is a privilege, not a right” kind of speeches. I was thinking this was pretty sweet because the test would be open book. But when the first guy was finished, he introduced another guy. And this guy had slides. Oh, crap! I soon realized that this was a mandatory driver’s ed class. All in Thai. And the slides didn’t even have any pictures!

I was in that little personal hell for THREE HOURS! I then realized why the driving rules book was loaded with graffiti and corrections of the English. Everyone before me had nothing to do but make rude comments in that book. I, of course, added a few of my own.

I kept wondering what would have happened if I was the only person that showed up that day. Would that guy have talked for 3 hours knowing that I didn’t understand a damn thing he was saying?

So after that I took the written test, in English, and passed it. It was now time for the driving test. After an hour break for lunch, of course.

For the driving test, this place had a 1/3 scale little city complete with stop signs, bridges, one way streets, etc. Of course to be realistic for Bangkok it needed 1/3 scale elephants in the road, 1/3 scale tuk-tuks driving the wrong way, and 1/3 scale prostitutes hanging out by the 1/3 scale park. Maybe the prostitutes would only charge 1/3 the price. Well, it’s probably a good thing there weren’t any mini hookers there. I might not have passed the driving test.

One funny thing is that most people taking the test drove their own bikes there. There was even a guy in a Pizza Hut delivery uniform with a Pizza Hut bike. I’m not kidding.

For those of us that didn’t have the balls to drive our own bike to the driving test, there were bikes for rent. I had to wait in line and the only bike left for me was the bike from “Dumb and Dumber”. Honestly. It was 2 feet tall, no working signals, and best of all – no brakes. I hoped I would be judged on effort. Actually my biggest concern was getting lice from the rented helmet.

So I strapped on my lice helmet, hopped on that bad boy lawn-mower-on-two-wheels, and away I went. I’m sure I put in the fastest lap that day even though I was using my feet to stop. I almost lapped the Pizza Hut guy. Thirty minutes or free mutha fucka!

That night while celebrating my triumph over the Thai Dept of Land Transportation one of my friends says “You know, you could have just given the clerk 500 baht ($13) for the license.”

Sure, I love the dress. But how is it going to look when I'm working in the rice field?  

Seems like a respectable place. I hope they have "My Way" 

Hmmm. I can't decide between the stewed snake or the minced snake.  

These dogs are all for sale but something tells me they ain't gonna wind up as pets...

Goodbye My Sweetheart, Hello Vietnam

Honk! Honk honk! Hoooooonk! Honkity honk! That’s the sound of Vietnam. Now before y’all start telling me it’s the same way in New York City you have to realize those are little Honda scooter horns, not a bunch of Pakis in Yellow Cabs.

So here’s the deal. There are about 20 cars and 10 MILLION Honda scooters in Vietnam. To keep the traffic moving smoothly the forward thinking government has installed 6 traffic lights in all of Vietnam. So when you approach an intersection you honk your horn and go right on through. So does everyone else. Every intersection looks like the A&M marching band practicing their half time routine.

For a pedestrian crossing the street, the best thing to do is have a shot of whisky and just walk straight across at a constant speed. If you look at the bikes your “I don’t want to die” reflex will just screw everything up and you will get killed.

Now on to the important stuff – beer and women…

They have a beer there called Bia Hoi. Easy to remember because it sounds like pirate beer. Beer Ahoy. Yarrrr. So this beer costs 25 CENTS per glass. Can you fuckin believe that? And it taste pretty damn good. Especially after you’ve had 2 or 3 dollars worth of it. The downside of the classy establishment where I was testing the local brew was that they had a pay toilet. It was down the street at some Ho Chi Minh lookin dude’s house. And he was charging the equivalent of 3 cents to take a leak in his toilet. Of course he did have a really cute daughter? Grand daughter? Who can fuckin tell how old these dinks are. Anyway, I tried to chat her up with the only Vietnamese I know “Me want boom boom.” That didn’t go down too well. Vietnamese is a tonal language so I probably said it wrong.

So on to the chicas. It’s hard to tell how cute most of the Viet chicks are because they’re always wearing hats and a bandana over their face … train-robber style. But, I can tell you this. They average about 1 cup size bigger than Thai girls. And that Viet tradition dress. Dayum! That thing is sexy. I don’t know why because it covers everything except their face. Ummm, but it covers everything soo tightly.